75+ Funny New Year’s Resolutions: Humorous Takes on Self-Improvement
Did you know that while about 45% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, only 8% actually stick to them? Perhaps that is why taking a more lighthearted approach to our annual self-improvement pledges might be just what we need. After all, laughter not only reduces stress but also helps us maintain perspective as we navigate the challenges of personal growth. In this collection, we have brought together 80 witty and humorous New Year’s resolutions that just so perfectly capture the spirit of self-improvement, with a generous dash of humor.
- “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.” – Jimmy Fallon
- “This year, I resolve to stop procrastinating. I’ll start tomorrow.” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to read more… so I’m going to put subtitles on my TV.” – David Letterman
- “I’m not making any New Year’s resolutions this year. I’m perfect already.” – Betty White
- “Resolution: To write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” – Benjamin Franklin
These first few quotes remind us that sometimes the best approach to self-improvement is to acknowledge our imperfections with a smile.
- “My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.” – Caroline Rhea
- “I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.” – Garry Shandling
- “This year I’m going to become a better person… and if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure don’t deserve me at my best!” – Paris Hilton
- “My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending to know what year it is.” – Anonymous
- “Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” – James Agate
A healthy dose of self-awareness seems to be a common thread in these witty resolutions!
- “My resolution is to break all my resolutions. That way I succeed at something!” – Catherine Pulsifer
- “I resolve to get my spreadsheets color-coded and my paper clips arranged by size. It’s the little things that count.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I promise to stop calling it ‘wine o’clock’ and start using the more sophisticated term ‘grape therapy.'” – Unknown
- “My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full… with either wine, vodka, or whiskey.” – Anonymous
- “Resolution: To stop buying stuff I don’t need just because it’s on sale. But first, let me check Amazon’s daily deals.” – Unknown
Shopping and spending habits seem to be popular targets for humorous self-reflection.
- “I resolve to answer my emails with the same urgency people reply to my texts.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I’m going to become a morning person… just as soon as they move morning to noon.” – Unknown
- “My resolution is to stop using ‘I’ll start my diet next Monday’ as a weekly mantra.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to work out every day… of February. Baby steps.” – Unknown
- “This year, I promise to remember that ‘do not disturb’ is not just a setting on my phone.” – Anonymous
- “Resolution: To stop calling coffee my ‘survival juice’ and start using its proper name: ‘liquid productivity enhancer.'” – Anonymous
- “This year, I plan to spend more time with family… right after I finish watching all seasons on Netflix.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to learn to cook more than just pasta… maybe rice?” – Anonymous
- “My goal is to spend less time on social media… after this post goes viral.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to stop saying ‘five more minutes’ to my alarm clock. From now on, it’ll be ‘ten more minutes.'” – Anonymous
These jokes about daily habits hit particularly close to home!
- “This year, I resolve to be more productive… by stopping calling my naps ‘unplanned meditation breaks.'” – Unknown
- “I resolve to turn my ‘dad bod’ into a ‘father figure’.” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to save money… by stopping buying things on sale that save me money.” – Unknown
- “This year, I’m going to be more organized… starting with organizing my resolutions from previous years.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to stop putting things off… but first, let me take a break to think about it.” – Unknown
Organization and time management provide endless material for humor!
- “My resolution is to start making more plans… and maybe even follow through with some of them.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I resolve to be more honest… honestly, it probably won’t happen.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to stop counting pizza as a vegetable just because it has tomato sauce.” – Anonymous
- “My goal is to find work-life balance… between morning coffee and evening wine.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to stop using Google to diagnose every sneeze.” – Anonymous
Health and wellness always make for great comedic material!
- “This year, I’ll be more physically active… scrolling social media counts as finger exercise, right?” – Unknown
- “I resolve to eat more fruit… fruit-flavored candy counts, right?” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to manage stress better… by carefully scheduling my panic attacks.” – Unknown
- “This year, I intend to be more punctual… I’ll start by setting my clock 15 minutes ahead to be fashionably late by only 5 minutes.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to stop making to-do lists that I never do.” – Unknown
Self-organization and planning provide endless entertainment!
- “My resolution is to spend less time on my phone… sent from my iPhone.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I’ll be more assertive… if that’s okay with everyone.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to learn a new language… does emoji count?” – Anonymous
- “My goal is to better manage my finances… by buying cheaper wine.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to stop talking to my plants… at least when other people are around.” – Anonymous
Technology and communication give us great material for jokes!
- “This year, I intend to be more social… once I find the right Instagram filter.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to start meditating… which means stopping falling asleep during Netflix.” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to complain less… but this year really does suck.” – Unknown
- “This year, I’ll be more creative… in making up excuses for why I can’t attend meetings.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to stop postponing cleaning… I’ll start with my next apartment.” – Unknown
Household chores are another great source of humorous resolutions!
- “My resolution is to meal plan better… instead of eating whatever I find in the fridge at midnight.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I intend to read more books… Facebook posts.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to be more patient… RIGHT NOW!” – Anonymous
- “My goal is to procrastinate less… I’ll write the rest of this resolution later.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to stop talking to myself… ‘Good idea,’ I replied.” – Anonymous
Self-awareness and humor go hand in hand!
- “This year, I intend to be more environmentally conscious… by recycling my old resolutions.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to find better work-life balance… right after I check these emails.” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to stress less… I’m already stressing about how to do this.” – Unknown
- “This year, I’ll be more organized… once I find the notebook where I wrote that down.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to stop buying books until I read the ones I have… but this sale is only today!” – Unknown
Books and education can be a great source of humor too!
- “My resolution is to learn to cook more than three dishes… reheating doesn’t count.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I intend to travel more… between the couch and the refrigerator.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to be more spontaneous… I need to carefully plan this.” – Anonymous
- “My goal is to master the art of multitasking… by watching TV while ignoring my responsibilities.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to stop calling coffee breakfast.” – Anonymous
Food and eating habits always provide great material!
- “This year, I’ll be more active… does scrolling through TikTok count?” – Unknown
- “I resolve to learn new skills… does watching YouTube tutorials count?” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to manage time better… I’ll only spend an hour making excuses.” – Unknown
- “This year, I intend to be more positive… I’m negative about my chances.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to finally finish everything I start… except this resol-” – Unknown
These procrastination and time management jokes never get old!
- “My resolution is to save… for things I don’t need but are on sale.” – Anonymous
- “This year, I intend to get fit… F-abulous, I-nteresting, T-alented.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to spend less time on the computer… after I finish this post.” – Anonymous
- “My goal is to get more sleep… during online meetings.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to be more productive… I just made a list of all shows to binge-watch.” – Anonymous
The final stretch brings us some gems about modern life!
- “This year, I’ll be more punctual… for next year’s resolutions.” – Unknown
- “I resolve to swear less… darn it.” – Anonymous
- “My resolution is to take better care of my health… by stopping Googling symptoms.” – Unknown
- “This year, I intend to be more responsible… by responsibly declining all gym invitations.” – Anonymous
- “I resolve to be myself… I don’t have any ideas for being someone else.” – Unknown
As we complete this set of humorous resolutions, let’s remember: laughter and self-improvement are not mutually exclusive. Whether you’re trying to revolutionize your life or just make it through another year with a sense of humor intact, these witty takes on New Year’s resolutions remind us that yes, we can approach our goals with determination and a healthy dose of humor. After all, as many of these quotes suggest, sometimes the best way to make positive changes is to acknowledge our human foibles and keep smiling along the way.
